gettingitoff

I have no blogged in awhile. My weight plateaued for several months. I think it’s due to high stress and not being happy with myself or my marriage. I dont’ know if things are getting any better, but one think I realzed when we seperated is that no man wants a  fat girl and whether I stay with my husband or move on in life, no matter what I do to my hair, clothing, makeup, tanning, etc my weight won’t change unless I DO something about it. I keep coming up with excuses to over eat, to indulge, to not workout. NO MORE. I will not allow food and obesity to run my life. It is spring, time for change, big changes. I have a pt job at a local gym, where I receive a free membership as well as other perks. I am startin to feel better about myself and inspired to exercise and eat right, seeing all the “high class” people that are working their butts off to stay fit. I want to be that person. I want to be able to go to the gym to maintain a weight, to be thin, to be admired. I want to be that person. Now, how do I get there? That’s the kicker, isn’t it? We always want what we can’t or don’t have. *sigh* maybe one day…….

Well, I had my dr appt yesterday. I had gained 1 1/2 lbs over the last month (probably due to christmas). I talked to my dr about my concerns and he looked at my TSH and freeT4 from last Feb. my T4 was only .03 above the very bottom number of “normal”. So since I had so many signs of an underactive thyroid he wanted it ran again. I got the results today and it hadn’t changed, but my TSH had dropped 2 pts over the year. *shrug* both still in normal range. BUT he put me on the lowest dose of levothyroxin!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D i’m so flippin happy right now! I SO HOPE that this helps!

thank you all for your care, kind words, and support! what would i do without you!?!

again, i have no blogged in awhile……..i have my monthly weigh in at my doctor today for my Phentermine and i’m scared that he’s going to take me off it. for many many reasons. i have been on it since may of last year and it is teh ONLY thing that has helped me lose weight successfully.  he mentioned he’d take me off once i hit a plateau, only for a month or two, then resume putting me back on it. my sleep has been no more than 6 hrs/night, which is bothering me. i know it’s due to the  meds but i’m scared of how tired i will be off it. i’m scared all my cravings will come back and i will be more hungry than before. i’m scared of gaining it all back, too. i’m going to get my TSH and T-4 levels today and get a second opinion on hypothyroidism. i fit each and every “sign” and although my numbers are “ok”, if i remember correctly it was only 2-3 away from being in the “low” range, adn with the new criteria set out for the numbers i’m sure i “fit” in it. it would be wonderful if i could figure it out some day soon. it’s just so frustrating and im just tired all the time. my cravings of carbs and sweets will not go away either. they did for the longest time, WHAT HAPPENED?! i feel like i’m letting my walking buddies, the hotrods, and everyone else down in this whole process………….

I have not blogged in awhile.  I think I have let my back get me down in the dumps. I have been making stupid choices lately too. Just stupid! I was doing good at only having one soda a week, on the rare occassion, 2. I had all but cut out candy and was really doing good with starting healthy habits. Then Christmas break came. *sigh* family making candy, fattening foods, alcohol all around. And I was not strong at all. I gave in. Not just 1 or 2 things, but to EVERYTHING. Where did my motivation go? What about my willpower? My self esteem is so low again and I’m starting the emotional eatin crap again. I just wish I could do this. I wish that I hadn’t been raised with poor eating habits and with a mother that always ate when she was mad, happy, sad. You name it, she did it. this isnt a blaming blog, it’s not a self pity blog, it’s a “why was i so stupid to just start throwing away all the progress i’ve made since may?! over the last 2 wks i’ve gained 3 lbs! back under my first mini goal, back out of onederland. and WHY? because of stupid decisions, choices, adn inactivity. bah! HOPEFULLY THE NEW YEAR PROMISES BETTER MOTIVATION, WILLPOWER, SELF ESTEEM  than this year has.                                                                                                                                 

So I’ve been having horrid headaches the last few weeks and finally went to my chiropractor. We moved in June, an hour away from where we lived previously, and I still haven’t found one I like here, although I’m considering goin the accupressure or theraputic massage route now. *sigh* to back my story way up 2 years ago I was working as a paraprofessional and was one on one with the absolute love of my life, a severely autistic boy, who was very volitle. It took several months to “read” him but once I figured it out he and I were a great team. Long story short cuz I could talk about him forever, hehe, one day while trying to restrain him, I lost my grip and got kneed in the eye very hard. It threw out my neck badly and it will slip every now and then since. I was making monthly visits to my chiro til we moved, and in July, I saw him for the last time. My headaches had gone down, the stiffness had all but gone away. I saw him yesterday and he is almost making me find someone closer so I can have treatments 2-3 times/week for 3 weeks! Apparently my back between my shoulder blades is all jacked up causing my problems. All I can do is walk til it gets straightened out! He won’t even let me STRETCH IT until then! It’s a real setback since I just got started with the HotRods as well as  activity on my own. :( I also have to ice/heat it for 20 min a time, alternately, at least once a day, for 2-3 weeks. I’m off to heat now, then ice and go to bed. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday if I don’t talk to you before hand.

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! EEEEKKK!!! I did the warm-up and 2 dance steps in the first “rehersal” stage and oh my!!! It’s got me sweating bullets!! I have to admit, it IS fun and the 30 minutes flew by! I love dancing  so this was GREAT for me!!! We’ll see how long it takes to get it all down!! LOL

Well, for some reason I have taken off running this week! We’ll see if that momentum maintains!! I didn’t litterally “run”, but I DID get up this morning and instead of sitting in the shower for 20 min relaxing I did bicep curls and crunches before my shower. I wanted to do my new DVD but it’s too loud, I think, for the rest of my family, who is still in bed. Hopefully I can keep with it and keep up so I can lose this week instead of gain!

 btw: have any of you tried Jamie King: Rock Your Body, DVD?? I bought it yesterday, just haven’t opened it yet. I’ve heard it’s very HARD, but easy to pick up. *shrug* let me know if you have and what you thought of it! THANKS!!

morning everyone……it’s been one bummer of a week for me. I have such a hard time stickin with my goals! I start the week off great and then lie to myself and make excuses through the rest. I don’t know WHERE my motivation is hiding at but I’ve GOT to get it back! I was going to join the community center here in my town, and then I keep making excuses NOT to. My goal for Christmas break is this: GET MY BUTT OVER THERE AND JOIN AND USE THE MEMBERSHIP. Plain and simple.

 I have had a TERRIBLE time staying away from all the sweets in front of me lately! Chocolate is my huge weakness….and it seems to be everywhere this time of year. I need to do a major overhaul on my kitchen to rid it of Halloween candy, birthday cake from last week, highly processed foods, etc. I feel so wishy washy when it comes to my goals that it makes me NUTS! I KNOW I need to do it for myself and my group members (love you ladies) butI”m thinking my S.A.D. has something to do with it. I”m hoping to get money for Christmas so that I can buy a lightbox or SOMETHING to maybe help me a little. Maybe tanning….does that help with SAD……………

so, how can I lose 4 lbs last week and then GAIN 7 already THIS WEEK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had carbs over the weekend……..do you think that a little alcohol could really add THAT much weight in that much time? Maybe it’s water renention. *shrug* who KNOWS, but all I know is this: I hope like heck that it’s a combo of things and I can get myself back on track. This is the largest gain I’ve had since I started losing weight, and it’s VERY discouraging. Do you think, that, I should just cut most carbs out? I”m at a loss and very frustrated right now. I just want to scream or cry. What a way to start a day.

I’m sitting here this morning wondering WHAT my life is really about.  I am an only child, to a single mother (parents divorced when I was 2) and I’ve always been the center of everything, even now, as an adult, but not so much as when I was a child. I was adopted at birth, and I have recently become friends with my biological mother and am getting to know that side of my biological family. It’s been quite an experience for me to say the least. My mother was very emotionally and verbally abusive towards me growing up, so I’ve had issues my entire life with low to no self-esteem. My weight gain started in college, til that point i was always 5′7″ and balanced between 145-150, on my very large, Norwegian/Mexican, frame. I cant believe I thought I was “fat” back then. I dated a guy my first year of college who was 4 years older than me and, like my mother, was very emotionally and verbally abusive to me. During that year I put on 30 lbs, lost it that summer, and until gettin pg with my daughter 5 years ago, tettered at 170. I cant figure out if my keeping weight on is “happy” weight, or just from low self image and self esteem. *shrug* My loving husband has Asperger’s, so he didn’t notice when I ballooned from 168 when I met him to 238 this last spring. He is a wonderful man and I love him so very much. He has been so supportive of all of this and tries very hard to notice and say something if I’ve lost some weight. My biological mother, yes, plays a role in here as well. My husband has taught me how to be assertive and stand up for myself with my adoptive mother, my MOTHER who raised me, the only one I’ve ever known. And our relationship has FINALLY gotten better, although, like any relationship, we have good days and bad days. About a month ago, my biological mother was here with her mom, because her sister was really sick. Tons of drama happened, and I watched her sit in tears in my living room, at 42 yrs old, because her mother was dictating to her HOW, WHEN, AND WHERE they were leaving, takin in no consideration for anyone else’s feelings or plans. I sent, what I thought, was a nice email to her mother, telling her what my feelings were and put in my bio mother’s feelings as well. Apparently it was taken the WRONG way, and now my biological mother is very upset with me. We have hardly spoken since and when we do, it’s strained, to say the least. Putting me, again, into a child-like role, and depression that I cannot get under control. It was like watching a mirror image of myself and my mother and seeing exactly how much we’ve grown the last 4 years. I don’t feel like exercising, eating healthy, nothing. It’s a struggle each day.

 on a different note, I’m so angry with myself! I’ve made great progress in weight loss, and up til September, before I joined here, I was walking EVERY NIGHT, at least 3 miles. I felt great, my core was becoming stable, my pudgy tummy was flattening. I have a friend who called one night after I had gotten home from my walk, and said she had a premonition that I was abducted, which I was having feelings of being watched, earlier that night. It scared me enough to stop walking at night, with a dog, but I lost my momentum and used it as an excuse to NOT go on walks. Yes, I’m walking  a lot now, but in small spurts throughout the day. I don’t know HOW to get that momentum back that I once had. I’m praying also, that being on Phentermine, has helped me change my lifestyle in a way that I can maintain my weightloss AFTER I get it all off. I’m scared to death that I will gain it all back again……